Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Thursday, November 02, 2006
And speaking of Mr. Vonnegut, I have above faithfully reproduced my favorite artwork by him, as seen in Breakfast of Champions (please, if you haven't read Breakfast of Champions, note that link contains spoilers).I saw Kurt Vonnegut today...
I saw Kurt Vonnegut today.
At the stoplight on 44th St. and Indian
School in a green Ford Explorer. His window was down. He wasn't
smoking though, I though Vonnegut was a constant smoker. And his hair
didn't look like it was very curly, like it always does in the
pictures.
He didn't turn his head to look down on me in my short Geo Metro. He didn't see me. There was no eye contact. He looked straight ahead, waiting for the light to change.
Both my windows were down; I could have spoken to Kurt Vonnegut through the open passenger side window. I could have said, "Hey Kurt, thanks," or "Kurt, you're looking mighty
healthy! I hope you've got lots of time left on this messed up planet. By the way, I'm thinking of changing my middle name to daffodil. Your stories have given me hope." Or "you know, Kurt, I saw Kilgore Trout up on Camelback, not 3 weeks ago. I bought a picture
from him of Phoenix, 2506 AD for 5 dollars. It was pretty good, though I suspect
that there probably won't be a Phoenix, AZ in 2506." I'm sure Kurt would want to talk about our mutual friend. I've met Mr. Trout on a couple of occasions now. I didn't say anything.
The light turned green, he drove off in his big green Ford
Explorer. Then I figured it probably wasn't Kurt Vonnegut anyway. He
wouldn't drive a Ford Explorer, would he?
At the stoplight on 44th St. and Indian
School in a green Ford Explorer. His window was down. He wasn't
smoking though, I though Vonnegut was a constant smoker. And his hair
didn't look like it was very curly, like it always does in the
pictures.
He didn't turn his head to look down on me in my short Geo Metro. He didn't see me. There was no eye contact. He looked straight ahead, waiting for the light to change.
Both my windows were down; I could have spoken to Kurt Vonnegut through the open passenger side window. I could have said, "Hey Kurt, thanks," or "Kurt, you're looking mighty
healthy! I hope you've got lots of time left on this messed up planet. By the way, I'm thinking of changing my middle name to daffodil. Your stories have given me hope." Or "you know, Kurt, I saw Kilgore Trout up on Camelback, not 3 weeks ago. I bought a picture
from him of Phoenix, 2506 AD for 5 dollars. It was pretty good, though I suspect
that there probably won't be a Phoenix, AZ in 2506." I'm sure Kurt would want to talk about our mutual friend. I've met Mr. Trout on a couple of occasions now. I didn't say anything.
The light turned green, he drove off in his big green Ford
Explorer. Then I figured it probably wasn't Kurt Vonnegut anyway. He
wouldn't drive a Ford Explorer, would he?
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Dear Sirs
Years ago, when I was in junior high school I checked out an Earthsea book by Ursula LeGuin. I didn't particularly like it, for some reason. It seemed terribly dark, lots of wandering around in dank caves. I didn't read anything by LeGuin for a long time (not till I read a Thomas Disch remark about The Lathe of Heaven which said that it was the best book Philip K. Dick never wrote, or something like that). So I've since read The Left Hand of Darkness and The Lathe of Heaven, both of which I enjoyed, especially the latter. When we got the SciFi production of Earthsea from Blockbuster, I thought that I should perhaps revisit Earthsea. I couldn't recall the title of the one I had read in junior high, so I picked up the first thing about Earthsea that I saw at the library: Tales of Earthsea, which is a recent edition from LeGuin, not the volume I sought, but still quite good. One of the first stories is about a young sorcerer who hexes a boat that he is building with his father for a king (trouble, of course, ensues). Later, another mention is made of placing a spell on a boat so it will sail true. That's when the following scenario came to mind.
Dear Sirs,
In response to your letter dated Lemurday, Astaron in the Blessed Year
of the Glorious Goddess Ranna (may her thighs ever be fecund and may she smell
eternally of cabbage), I must protest most vigorously that any
negligence or malfeasance on my part caused the loss of your freighter
S.S. Tongal, along with her crew and cargo.
I am saddened and shocked at the loss of the vessel. Despite my best
efforts and the fulfillment of my contracted duties the vessel was
lost. Unfortunately, there are circumstances which are beyond even my (nearly omnipotent)
control, despite my arcane knowledge and connection with the
mysterious forces which dominate the natural world (both seen and unseen).
I will answer your accusations in turn.
1: You allege that because of my own ineptitude I botched the complex
spellwork woven about and through the vessel. My work was thoroughly
inspected by Andronian & Osterby L.L.C., a well respected firm, before the
vessel was launched. Additionally their representatives accompanied
myself and other members of my firm on every visit to the dry-dock at
which this vessel was constructed. Their professional staff ensured
that the contracted rituals were performed correctly. Their
certification proves that the spellwork was not, indeed, botched.
Further, in my discussions with your client's project manager, it came
to my attention that corners were cut when requisite offerings were not
made to the proper gods, goddesses and totem spirits. The wrath of
these beings should never be taken lightly, and while offerings may
seem onerous, they should be considered the cost of doing business in
our modern day.
Finally, please refer to Section 7, Subsection 89, Article 347,
paragraph 78,645, which states that all divine interventions (no matter the rank of said
deity) should void any spellwork warranty and release this party from any liability.
The auspiciousness of the numerical designation of this particular
paragraph should have been enough to draw your attention, and frankly,
I believe the augury council you employ is seriously lacking in
ability.
2: You have sought the professional opinion of Archmagus
Dithrondanius Galtinaspucinia (etc., etc.) regarding the performance
of certain complex rituals. I can only refer you to the preceding statement, that the entire
complex of spellwork was done under the supervision of A.&O. and
associates. However, being well acquainted with the work of the above
mentioned practitioner, it occurs to me that his personal political
vendettas disqualify him from judgement on this matter. No credible
court would allow him to speak when he had villified and inpugned this
writer on so many occasions for reasons of idealogical differences.
That windbag's vacuous theories have been disproven so thoroughly
that no mage worth his staff could take any breath uttered by
Archmagus D.G. (etc.) as anything more than absurdist clap-trap. That
old sorcerer can't be taken seriously. Unless you have a question
about 800 year old history (it's about the only period of his life he
can remember).
In short, should your staff of resident bush-wizards perform a
regeneration on you, you still wouldn't have a leg to stand on. No
court; wizard's, guild or marine will find in your favor.
Seriously, you'll not see a penny from me. My
lawyers write an ironclad contract.
Sincerely,
Higfield Throndbucklastindic Entrontithian Erlogubstanderon
Chief of Magic Operations,
Erlogubstanderon Magus Contracting, Inc.
p.s. How dare you question my ability! I am the conqueror of the 12
leech-gods of Morgthrond, discoverer of the secrets of the depths of
Gond'laphar! The earth yields up her hidden treasures, and I
cultivate the powers of the Middle Gods! I call upon the winds and
the beasts of the sea and they bend to my will!
You tiny worms think you can frighten a being of power with your petty
accusations and foolish law-suits? Ha! When you are dust, I will urinate on
your graves! I will curse you and you descendants for generations to
come if you will not withdraw your silly accusations. Your flesh
will rot from your bones before your very eyes, and your entrails will
harden like stones. What is it to me that your fortunes are lost?
What do I care, who has touched eternity with his mind, whose flesh is
borne through the torrents and hurricanes of time by will alone? Empires rise and
fall; I am constant.
Hey, you knew the risks. You gambled, you lost. It's not my problem.
Dear Sirs,
In response to your letter dated Lemurday, Astaron in the Blessed Year
of the Glorious Goddess Ranna (may her thighs ever be fecund and may she smell
eternally of cabbage), I must protest most vigorously that any
negligence or malfeasance on my part caused the loss of your freighter
S.S. Tongal, along with her crew and cargo.
I am saddened and shocked at the loss of the vessel. Despite my best
efforts and the fulfillment of my contracted duties the vessel was
lost. Unfortunately, there are circumstances which are beyond even my (nearly omnipotent)
control, despite my arcane knowledge and connection with the
mysterious forces which dominate the natural world (both seen and unseen).
I will answer your accusations in turn.
1: You allege that because of my own ineptitude I botched the complex
spellwork woven about and through the vessel. My work was thoroughly
inspected by Andronian & Osterby L.L.C., a well respected firm, before the
vessel was launched. Additionally their representatives accompanied
myself and other members of my firm on every visit to the dry-dock at
which this vessel was constructed. Their professional staff ensured
that the contracted rituals were performed correctly. Their
certification proves that the spellwork was not, indeed, botched.
Further, in my discussions with your client's project manager, it came
to my attention that corners were cut when requisite offerings were not
made to the proper gods, goddesses and totem spirits. The wrath of
these beings should never be taken lightly, and while offerings may
seem onerous, they should be considered the cost of doing business in
our modern day.
Finally, please refer to Section 7, Subsection 89, Article 347,
paragraph 78,645, which states that all divine interventions (no matter the rank of said
deity) should void any spellwork warranty and release this party from any liability.
The auspiciousness of the numerical designation of this particular
paragraph should have been enough to draw your attention, and frankly,
I believe the augury council you employ is seriously lacking in
ability.
2: You have sought the professional opinion of Archmagus
Dithrondanius Galtinaspucinia (etc., etc.) regarding the performance
of certain complex rituals. I can only refer you to the preceding statement, that the entire
complex of spellwork was done under the supervision of A.&O. and
associates. However, being well acquainted with the work of the above
mentioned practitioner, it occurs to me that his personal political
vendettas disqualify him from judgement on this matter. No credible
court would allow him to speak when he had villified and inpugned this
writer on so many occasions for reasons of idealogical differences.
That windbag's vacuous theories have been disproven so thoroughly
that no mage worth his staff could take any breath uttered by
Archmagus D.G. (etc.) as anything more than absurdist clap-trap. That
old sorcerer can't be taken seriously. Unless you have a question
about 800 year old history (it's about the only period of his life he
can remember).
In short, should your staff of resident bush-wizards perform a
regeneration on you, you still wouldn't have a leg to stand on. No
court; wizard's, guild or marine will find in your favor.
Seriously, you'll not see a penny from me. My
lawyers write an ironclad contract.
Sincerely,
Higfield Throndbucklastindic Entrontithian Erlogubstanderon
Chief of Magic Operations,
Erlogubstanderon Magus Contracting, Inc.
p.s. How dare you question my ability! I am the conqueror of the 12
leech-gods of Morgthrond, discoverer of the secrets of the depths of
Gond'laphar! The earth yields up her hidden treasures, and I
cultivate the powers of the Middle Gods! I call upon the winds and
the beasts of the sea and they bend to my will!
You tiny worms think you can frighten a being of power with your petty
accusations and foolish law-suits? Ha! When you are dust, I will urinate on
your graves! I will curse you and you descendants for generations to
come if you will not withdraw your silly accusations. Your flesh
will rot from your bones before your very eyes, and your entrails will
harden like stones. What is it to me that your fortunes are lost?
What do I care, who has touched eternity with his mind, whose flesh is
borne through the torrents and hurricanes of time by will alone? Empires rise and
fall; I am constant.
Hey, you knew the risks. You gambled, you lost. It's not my problem.
First post!
So, here it is. I'm going to post my journal entries and stories here. At least the ones that are appropriate, anyway.
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